Dealing with Birth Trauma

Ahh birth. What a beautiful, glorious thing! The excitement, the pain, the baby's first cry, the euphoric joy of a family blossoming! What could possibly be better than a birth?? 

For some women, birth is truly the most beautiful and empowering moment of their lives. The ending of around 40 weeks of creating new life! The start of a next chapter. For others, it can be the most terrifying moment of their lives. Something that will cause a load of sadness and grief. About 25% of women report their birth as being "traumatic".

For all women - it is life changing. 

The days after Jaxon's birth were completely joy-filled. We were so happy to have him alive and safe - it didn't seem to matter how he got there. Each midwife who came in to check my incision asked me how I was feeling and that they had heard it was traumatic. I wasn't phased - he's here! We're all good! I'm not gonna be that Mom who is upset about their birth... at least I have a healthy baby! 

Well that euphoria died out over a few weeks... It wasn't until my 6 week check up did I realize that I was suffering from something greater than the baby blues. Going back to the office and seeing the midwife who helped me labor was not comforting.  She was emotional and actually apologized for our birth, saying she and the OB had met a few times to discuss what had happened but there were no real answers. 

The doubt and "what if's" consumed me. What if I hadn't been induced? What if I had been induced earlier? Would he have been stronger? What if I had refused pitocin? What if I hadn't gotten the epidural? Was it the epidural that put him in distress? What if I had waited to push a little longer? What if I had asked for his heartbeat in the OR? Would they have waited for the anesthetic to be boosted? Could I have stayed awake? Why didn't I try harder to witness my son's first moments of life?

The mind can be a dark, dark place. I was in a very bad spot when it came to my birth and nothing was helping. I was extremely lonely. I felt no one could understand what I was going through. I had heard that it was possible to be put under for a birth but I was assured that it was extremely rare and wouldn’t happen to me. Well, hey there! It did. I haven't been able to even find a percentage on the amount of women put under - it's just not usually done. 

I started to get envious of others around me having babies - their births seemed so calm and beautiful and I was left feeling awful and left asking “why me?” Hearing "there's nothing like hearing your babies first cry!" was like a punch to the gut. Well meaning people had no idea what I had been through.

I can assure you - no mother wants to miss the first moment of their child's life. 

I finally sought professional help. After months of therapy, here is my advice for dealing with birth trauma (keep in mind I am still working through his birth myself).

1. Seek Professional Help. Ladies - just do it. There are so many smart and passionate people out there who are dying to help new Mommas suffering. My doula recommended Women's Health Innovations of Arizona and I truly believe they have saved my relationship with myself. I have been going to counseling for months now, have had EMDR sessions to treat my trauma, and am on a much better path to motherhood. If you are even slightly contemplating asking for help - just do it. 

2. Cut Out Triggers. What makes the tears bubble up? What makes you start to panic? I had a few things. The biggest was social media. I was so passionate about natural childbirth that I had followed tons of birth related Instagram accounts. Scrolling through Instagram was painful and a constant reminder of the first moment I felt I didn’t have. The first thing my counselor suggested I do was unfollow them - a seemingly simple task was so impactful on my life. My feed is now full with with friends, family, golden retrievers, and baby moccasins. 😉

I also deleted my birth playlist which was hard for me. I had spent so much time building the playlist and listened to it throughout my pregnancy and labor. But every time I heard those songs after giving birth it brought me right back to the hospital and the birth I didn't get to experience.

3. Honor Your “Season” or “For Now”. Having PTSD or suffering from birth trauma can make you feel "stuck". I couldn't get past his birth and it consumed most of my days, sadly. Everything around me in my home reminded me of what I hadn't achieved and what I felt I had lost. I had saturated my life with positive birth vibes - I read Ina May Gaskin's book, had oils diffusing 24/7, lived on my birth ball, was taking Evening Primrose Oil and drinking Raspberry Tea multiple times a day.... coming home to a house prepared for the natural birth I had worked for was heartbreaking. So, I cleaned house. My counselor told me that I would have the "season" of becoming a mother again, but for now I am currently a mother and that is a whole "season" of itself. I needed to appreciate it and embrace it. It’s where I was at “for now”.  

I now dive head first into being a good Mom. Fortunately for me I have always felt an incredible bond with Jaxon. He and I went through something big together and he was the only other person I knew in the room when it happened. I cherish nursing him and it has been very healing for me. I also love to make toys and crafts with him and do fun activities on my days off just the two of us. He probably won't remember any of it, but I feel it proves I have a much stronger purpose in life than just a calm birth.

My “for now” is full of chasing a crawler, dedicating my body to nursing, drowning in piles of laundry, and changing countless diapers. But I love it. 

4. Talk it Out. One of the most healing things for me to do (and still do) is talk to others about my birth and their experiences around it. Hearing Eric's side of the story was incredibly healing. Hearing how quickly he met Jaxon after the delivery and listening to him talk about the first time he saw him or how they weighed and measured Jaxon was comforting. If I couldn't have been there for him, I'm glad Eric was. That man loves that little boy just as much as I do and their bond is so special. It also wasn't easy for Eric to have those moments while I was still in surgery and hearing him talk about it helped us connect even more. 

Having hard conversations with family members helped, too. Eric and I kept all progress of my labor private from our relatives (yes, even parents) because I was so focused on my drug-free labor. Eric was with me the entire labor and neither one of us were ever focused on our phones. Because of this, our birth story came as a huge shock to the family. We simply didn't have time to notify family that I was having an emergency c section and definitely didn't update when I had to be put under. We also waited until I was awake and "with it" to share the news and unfortunately that was almost two hours after Jax was born. There were no visitors until Jaxon was almost 6 hours old. The situation was just rough all around. Hearing their fears and sharing my experience was absolutely needed and necessary to heal and move on.

5. Request Medical Records. This was a big and scary step for me. I was anxious about what I would see when reading my birth story. Reviewing the records with my counselor was incredibly healing and was probably the biggest relief I had felt in this whole situation. It helped me piece together certain events that were foggy and provided much needed clarity for me. I'm a pretty factual person and seeing actual stats and understanding what they meant made everything feel justified. It was also oddly comforting to read exactly how my surgery went and I was able to envision everything that happened. Reading the gory details made me feel like I was there - because I was. I did give birth. 

6. Read and Write. I would recommend reading "How to Heal a Bad Birth" if you are struggling. I am currently reading it and am finding it very comforting. There are pages where you work through your birth and write feelings out and even special sections for relatives of a woman who experienced birth trauma. After reading more than half the book, I turned the page one night to "Having a Cesarean Under General Anesthesia" and started crying. There was a chapter for Mommas like me! There are other people out there like me! I am reading their stories! There's a whole chapter to help me!! It was very comforting. 

I also find writing therapeutic (hence this blog). It can be big, small, or anything in between, but if you are a writer - write. My counselor had me write a letter to the OB who performed the surgery on me. I have never sent it but I learned a lot about myself writing it. If you could have read a letter in the scariest moments of your birth, what would you have wanted to read? Write it. Write a letter to your unborn baby during labor. Just write. No one has to read what you write, just get it out there. 

7. Look to the Future. This is where I am at - working to the future. I hope to have another "season" of pregnancy and motherhood again. I have an obvious fear of giving birth - I don't have a birth experience under my belt. I have a labor and recovery experience - but not really a birth one. I fell asleep with a belly and woke up with a baby. I was unconscious during the climax of my pregnancy story.

I have researched different care providers in the area and went to an entirely different practice for my annual this year. I didn't owe anything to my old providers. The first thing the doctor said to me after my surgery was "Well, you are the absolute perfect candidate for a VBAC!" Not what I wanted to hear after the ordeal I had been through. I'll be the squeaky wheel who interviews five different people before picking an OB next time, and I'm perfectly okay with that. I need to have a team who 100% supports my feelings and concerns for my next birth and I will get that. 

I enjoy spending time envisioning my next birth. Will it be a VBAC or another c section? I want to be ready for either. I have even started thinking of what I want to have happen if I have to be put under again - things I don't want done to the baby until I am awake, things I want to see first, etc. I have to explore every possibility.

I have started following #gentlecsections and #vbacsuccess on Instagram. I am now surrounded by Mommas who have been through what I have. I joined the local ICAN chapter and have met women who have felt similar feelings of grief and loss with birth. Once in awhile I will do some art therapy and create birth affirmations for my next labor. I will cherish these when having my next baby because I will honor where I am at in this stage of recovery.